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Monday, April 11, 2011

Magpie Tales - Butterfly Wing

This week's visual prompt from Tess at Magpie Tales set me down a path of wine and wonder, but then I read a response from the fab Jinksy, and all I could see was a butterfly in the glass, so I got to thinking about a short story I wrote a while back called Butterfly Wing.  Below is the opening paragraph.



Butterfly Wing
The tiny droplet slid down Larissa’s inner thigh, barely noticeable at first, touching her kneecap with the gentleness of a butterfly wing.  A car sped past catching her unawares as the bead of the embryonic fluid reached her swollen ankle. She stood quite still, the sounds of an oblivious outside world pounding on around her as Larissa understood with certainty that the life she had hidden inside her for so long would soon have to leave. The cold Moscow night bit hard against her skin.  She placed a hand beneath her coat and held the underside of her engorged belly.  Larissa’s dark hair carried itself rebelliously in the wind, the only part of her now believing it was free to choose.

Posted by Louise at
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38 comments:

  1. Kat MortensenApril 11, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    If you are willing, send the rest to my e-mail. If this is an indicator of your novel's quality, then you are going to be a big success!

    Kat

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  2. LouiseApril 11, 2011 at 8:16 AM

    Ah thanks Kat, I really appreciate that and I will send it to you by e-mail, but I might just look over it first.

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  3. JinksyApril 11, 2011 at 8:26 AM

    I love your butterfly wing. I'm glad my graphic brought it to your mind - they sit together so well...

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  4. LouiseApril 11, 2011 at 9:17 AM

    Thanks Jinksy!

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  5. Words A DayApril 11, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    very sensous opening sentence, and I love the night biting into her skin. you capture v. well that no going back certainty - the life she had hidden inside her for so long would soon have to leave - the poor thing

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  6. Máire T. RobinsonApril 11, 2011 at 9:27 AM

    What a great opening paragraph. It has you rooting for Larissa straight away. Would love to read more.

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  7. LouiseApril 11, 2011 at 9:45 AM

    Thanks Words A Day & Maire. I think she's worth rooting for, but it is a very sad tale.

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  8. Other MaryApril 11, 2011 at 9:45 AM

    That's a beautifully written beginning that makes me want to read more!

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  9. Laurie KolpApril 11, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    Great beginning... I want more!

    ~laurie

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  10. HelenaApril 11, 2011 at 10:25 AM

    Yeah! Give us more..........

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  11. Brigid O'ConnorApril 11, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    Tantalising first paragraph, I love the detail of her hair being the only part of her that is free to choose

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  12. MartinApril 11, 2011 at 12:49 PM

    Fine writing. And now we need to know more about Larissa.

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  13. izzyApril 11, 2011 at 1:37 PM

    Hmm doesn't seem very hopeful- great scene! Thanks.

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  14. AnonymousApril 11, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    what's next?

    the ending line is dynamic. fun magpie.

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  15. Kathe W.April 11, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    wow- what a wonderful beginning ....I too would like to hear more about Larissa

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  16. Tumblewords:April 11, 2011 at 9:46 PM

    Terrific - this reads so well and the words are brilliant choices - more would be wonderful!

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  17. Isabel DoyleApril 12, 2011 at 2:04 AM

    very intriguing and beautifully written
    and the next paragraph?

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  18. LynApril 12, 2011 at 5:13 AM

    I got wrapped up in this very quickly..want very much to read more..

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  19. ReflectionsApril 12, 2011 at 7:34 AM

    Powerful opening paragraph, drawing the reader quickly in. Leaving us yearning for more.

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  20. Tess KincaidApril 12, 2011 at 8:00 AM

    Perhaps a modern day Zhivago story? Beautiful write.

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  21. Doctor FTSEApril 12, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    Dare I point out that all the "Larissas" after the first one should be "She." Otherwise you are subtly shifting the view point between 'L. as viewpoint' character to yourself as 'authorial overview' viewpoint.
    But a good opening paragraph.

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  22. HelenApril 12, 2011 at 1:38 PM

    Stunning opening ...

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  23. hyperCRYPTICalApril 13, 2011 at 12:28 AM

    Wonderful writing - beautifully descriptive.

    Anna :o]

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  24. LouiseApril 13, 2011 at 5:03 AM

    Thanks everyone, your comments are really supportive.

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  25. signed...bkmApril 13, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    What a wonderful write on this subject of birth..knowing exactly how she feels...it all comes back in this few sentences...thank you for sharing...bkm

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  26. MargaretApril 13, 2011 at 7:31 PM

    I'd love to read more.

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  27. LouiseApril 14, 2011 at 11:21 AM

    Thanks bkm & Margaret. I hope to post the rest of the story this week.

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  28. dsApril 14, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    Gorgeous. And to think you wouldn't have shared it save for Jinksy. Thanks to you both!! Please do share the rest of this.

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  29. TrellissimoApril 15, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    No doubt there are butterflies in that glass of wine! LOL

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  30. Vinay Leo R.April 16, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    beautiful! it will be a great novel! all the best!

    My Magpie Post

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  31. AnonymousApril 16, 2011 at 12:46 PM

    "the only part of her now believing it was free to choose."

    a very powerful line following striking imagery. i agree with the others... more, please.

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  32. Lucy WestenraApril 16, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    Take note of Doctor FTSE's comment. Control of viewpoint is essential in story telling and is not always easy.
    Imagine the confusion in the reader's mind if a "first person" narrator kept changing the "I" to his/her own name. Your story does the same thing. After the first "Larissa" she should be "she" and nothing else throughout the story.

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  33. LouiseApril 16, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    Agree about the second Larissa, but the final one is staying. Thanks all for comments

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  34. Steve IsaakApril 16, 2011 at 2:29 PM

    Wow-worthy work. Perfect. My sixth favorite - in order of reading (out of a hundred and fifty pieces read this week) - read thus far.

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  35. LouiseApril 16, 2011 at 3:04 PM

    Thanks Steve, I'll take 6th out of 150 any week!

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  36. T F CarthickApril 16, 2011 at 9:06 PM

    Nice start to the story.

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  37. Carrie Van HornApril 16, 2011 at 9:42 PM

    A captivating beginning....look forward to more!

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  38. Full-On-ForwardApril 17, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    Absolutely Incredible--hungry for more!

    John

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