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Monday, April 11, 2011

Magpie Tales - Butterfly Wing

This week's visual prompt from Tess at Magpie Tales set me down a path of wine and wonder, but then I read a response from the fab Jinksy, and all I could see was a butterfly in the glass, so I got to thinking about a short story I wrote a while back called Butterfly Wing.  Below is the opening paragraph.



Butterfly Wing
The tiny droplet slid down Larissa’s inner thigh, barely noticeable at first, touching her kneecap with the gentleness of a butterfly wing.  A car sped past catching her unawares as the bead of the embryonic fluid reached her swollen ankle. She stood quite still, the sounds of an oblivious outside world pounding on around her as Larissa understood with certainty that the life she had hidden inside her for so long would soon have to leave. The cold Moscow night bit hard against her skin.  She placed a hand beneath her coat and held the underside of her engorged belly.  Larissa’s dark hair carried itself rebelliously in the wind, the only part of her now believing it was free to choose.

38 comments:

  1. If you are willing, send the rest to my e-mail. If this is an indicator of your novel's quality, then you are going to be a big success!

    Kat

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  2. Ah thanks Kat, I really appreciate that and I will send it to you by e-mail, but I might just look over it first.

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  3. I love your butterfly wing. I'm glad my graphic brought it to your mind - they sit together so well...

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  4. very sensous opening sentence, and I love the night biting into her skin. you capture v. well that no going back certainty - the life she had hidden inside her for so long would soon have to leave - the poor thing

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  5. What a great opening paragraph. It has you rooting for Larissa straight away. Would love to read more.

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  6. Thanks Words A Day & Maire. I think she's worth rooting for, but it is a very sad tale.

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  7. That's a beautifully written beginning that makes me want to read more!

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  8. Great beginning... I want more!

    ~laurie

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  9. Yeah! Give us more..........

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  10. Tantalising first paragraph, I love the detail of her hair being the only part of her that is free to choose

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  11. Fine writing. And now we need to know more about Larissa.

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  12. Hmm doesn't seem very hopeful- great scene! Thanks.

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  13. what's next?

    the ending line is dynamic. fun magpie.

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  14. wow- what a wonderful beginning ....I too would like to hear more about Larissa

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  15. Terrific - this reads so well and the words are brilliant choices - more would be wonderful!

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  16. very intriguing and beautifully written
    and the next paragraph?

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  17. I got wrapped up in this very quickly..want very much to read more..

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  18. Powerful opening paragraph, drawing the reader quickly in. Leaving us yearning for more.

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  19. Perhaps a modern day Zhivago story? Beautiful write.

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  20. Dare I point out that all the "Larissas" after the first one should be "She." Otherwise you are subtly shifting the view point between 'L. as viewpoint' character to yourself as 'authorial overview' viewpoint.
    But a good opening paragraph.

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  21. Wonderful writing - beautifully descriptive.

    Anna :o]

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  22. Thanks everyone, your comments are really supportive.

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  23. What a wonderful write on this subject of birth..knowing exactly how she feels...it all comes back in this few sentences...thank you for sharing...bkm

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  24. Thanks bkm & Margaret. I hope to post the rest of the story this week.

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  25. Gorgeous. And to think you wouldn't have shared it save for Jinksy. Thanks to you both!! Please do share the rest of this.

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  26. No doubt there are butterflies in that glass of wine! LOL

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  27. beautiful! it will be a great novel! all the best!

    My Magpie Post

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  28. "the only part of her now believing it was free to choose."

    a very powerful line following striking imagery. i agree with the others... more, please.

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  29. Take note of Doctor FTSE's comment. Control of viewpoint is essential in story telling and is not always easy.
    Imagine the confusion in the reader's mind if a "first person" narrator kept changing the "I" to his/her own name. Your story does the same thing. After the first "Larissa" she should be "she" and nothing else throughout the story.

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  30. Agree about the second Larissa, but the final one is staying. Thanks all for comments

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  31. Wow-worthy work. Perfect. My sixth favorite - in order of reading (out of a hundred and fifty pieces read this week) - read thus far.

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  32. Thanks Steve, I'll take 6th out of 150 any week!

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  33. A captivating beginning....look forward to more!

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  34. Absolutely Incredible--hungry for more!

    John

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